Incomplete Arguments & Underminers
Because I said so. Do what you are told. Well, that’s the way we’ve always done it.
These, and explanations like them, have never sat well with me. Maybe it’s just me, but I’ve always seem them as lacking. Why? They hinder further discussion and are inadequate responses when you ask why. I ask why to understand, so I see these reasons as wildly incomplete. Actually, I would go to far as to say that these reasons are unreasonable.
They are short-sighted. Because I said so doesn’t help a child learn why it’s important to get a full night of sleep. It doesn’t help them learn that sleep deprivation has devastating impacts on all aspects of your health and your life. It just tells a child that their curiosity is not worth being satisfied, and that they should blindly follow orders. That they should just do what they are told.
That’s the way we’ve always done it does not allow for evolution. For testing out an idea to see if another way could be possible. If something else might work better. How we’ve always done it maintains the status quo, even as the world keeps spinning all around us. Yes, it’s the way we’ve always done it. But we have new information today that we didn’t have when we built the system. Today, we have new possibilities to explore. Or that we can choose to ignore.
I would much rather have someone tell me that they don’t know or that they are tired and don’t feel up to further conversation on the topic than have them deliver an incomplete, dismissive excuse for why. Comprehension, understanding, and reaching some level of agreement moves the needle in any one direction. We are curious creatures, and we don’t willingly act because I said so.
We are more likely to be content with our choice to go along with a plan when we have a voice in agreeing to it. When our opinion or expertise counts for something. When we’ve been heard. Which makes that’s the way we’ve always done it an occasional outlier. I sometimes like hearing someone say that’s the way we’ve always done it. But only when they follow it up with so we know it works, but we are open to ideas and seeing if something else could work better.
That means game on. It’s collaborative, inclusive, and humble. It’s refreshing and allows exploration into the unknown. The group is open-minded and willing to make space for the fact that good ideas come from anyone and anywhere. A collaborative mindset invites more people to the table and can give a megaphone to a whisper. It’s encouraging and brings out the best in people.
But it can also bring out the worst. No matter how inclusive and collaborative a space you try to create, not everyone will embrace what you are building. Not everyone will be interested in making room for change or new voices. The people who will create the most resistance are not going to be the vocal, obvious ones. They will feign encouragement and might even be the person volunteering to pass out the lifejackets. But they are actively yet quietly doing all they can to ensure the voices they want silenced will have to fight the hardest to stay afloat.
Their targeted attacks happening in the shadows will wear down even the strongest of people. That’s their goal, whether they are fully cognizant of it or not. They will keep discreetly chipping away at someone’s idealism, their desire to create positive change until they can exploit their cracks. And when the new voice is confronted with their exposed flaw, they know blame will not help. They better just accept ownership, dust themselves off, and keep trying their best.
It’s simply one more responsibility for those chipping away at the status quo. Some days the resistance others intentionally put in your path is the most draining part of your pursuit. But you press on. Because when you believe in something strongly enough, there becomes no other way. You move forward, inches at a time, because you care too much to quit.
I believe the world is mostly good. That people do not wake up and ask themselves how can they make someone else’s life harder today. But I’ve seen and experienced enough people-placed roadblocks to know that sometimes our emotions get the best of us. That sometimes we feel personally attacked when there’s a voice suggesting change or asking questions that cause our comfortable seats to feel a little less comfortable.
If we are willing to sit with the uncomfortable questioning of our own seat at the table, we grow. We let someone else find a steady cadence and confidence in their words. We learn when we actually listen to other voices and perspectives. Our world grows when we make space for others. Or, we can take on the mentality of the underminer and we can resist. We can be blatant about it, or we can hide in the shadows waiting to slash tires in the dark.
I respect the outspoken resistance to change more than the sneak attacks. Those that let their opinions live in daylight may never become your allies, but you will always know where they stand. It’s the underminer that pretends to be on the side of the change-seeker when everyone else is watching. Only when night falls and attentions shift do they string their tripwires.
On our best days, we are the change seeker or we are sitting at the table with an open mind. We listen, we examine, we discuss possible ways forward that account for more perspectives than our own. We collaborate and we are willing to amplify someone else’s voice because we believe too. But we are not our best every day.
Sometimes we will be the ones resisting change. We will be the person annoyed that someone is making our comfortable seat less comfortable. Sometimes we will let our emotions get the best of us. Maybe we will be exasperated and we’ll yell about it. We’ll make our opinion known and cast our vote against the new. On our worst days though, we’ll be the underminer hiding in the shadows. Sometimes we will be the person stealthily poking holes in life vests.
But in the long run, you never win by cutting someone else down. You never feel better about yourself after you’ve taken steps to sabotage somebody else. We all know how it feels to be on either side of our emotional reactions. When we’ve felt attacked so we retaliated, or when we’re crushed because someone sought revenge on us. Rarely is it all as personal as it feels.
