Gone Running

Today felt heavy. The last few weeks have been stressful and filled with uncertainty, but today was the first time I felt weighed down. Today, the enormity of what we are all going through together started to settle in.

I’ve known that how we handle this moment in time is important. From the beginning of March, I have appreciated the precautions we’ve been taking. I’ve known this is a big deal, and I’ve been keeping my distance from others. With the exception of a few trips to the grocery store and getting fresh air in the neighborhood everyday, I’ve been staying home.

Today it started to sink in that social distancing and staying home is our routine until further notice. And further notice is, at an incredibly optimistic minimum, at least another month away. Businesses will remain closed, people will remain laid off, and bills will remain unpaid, until further notice. More than that, people will die alone, and families won’t be able to have memorial services for their loved ones. Until further notice.

At one point though, we will be able to step out our front doors and hug our people. We will be able to meet up with friends and catch up inside our favorite coffee shops. We will be able to board airplanes and take the trips we postponed for the good of the people we love and for the good of people we’ve never met.

Today I realized when that time comes, the world won’t be going back to normal, or at least the same normal we remember. The world, and all of us, will be profoundly different. Today it started to sink in that when this is all over, I will be different.

Feeling the weight of these things, I did what I do nearly every day; I laced up my shoes, and I went for a run. I breathed in the crisp, cold evening air; I felt my heart beating hard against my chest. I felt the muscles in my legs burn, and I felt alive. Then, with my heart rate high and my breathing heavy, I felt the calm sink in.

When I have harder days, days like today, running reminds me that even though there is little in life you can control, you always have a choice in how you handle things. Today things feel uncertain, but things are always uncertain. We have never known what will happen tomorrow until we are experiencing tomorrow.

So today, I did what makes me feel grateful to have this moment and the one thing that always helps me feel calm in chaos. I laced up my shoes, and I went for a run. And tomorrow, and every tomorrow, I’ll do it again.