Keeping Commitments

Most weeks, by the time I sit down in front of my computer, I know exactly what I plan to write about. Sometimes I’ve even finished writing days before. I’ll do one final read-through to make sure my piece is close to what I’d like, and then I press publish. But on some Tuesdays, I find myself sitting in front of a blank page, a cursor blinking, waiting for my words to come.

Today is one of those Tuesdays. I’ve written the first two or three paragraphs on multiple different topics only to delete and begin again. I tried to write something about travel and adventure; then I held down the backspace key until the page was empty. Next I tried writing about perspective, but found the ideas still cloudy and jumbled in my head. I might come back to those ideas, once they are more map than mess.

Then there was something else, and then something else after that. My most recent thought was to write about embracing boredom, but I struggled with where to begin. I started one direction, then stopped; then tried a different route only to discover another dead end. With each writing attempt today, I find that I can’t clearly articulate what I mean as I start putting words on the page.

It isn’t always easy, giving yourself a deadline and sticking to it. This adventure in writing has certainly been a lesson in that. But even if no one ends up reading what I write, I like that I haven’t missed a week since I committed to publishing every Tuesday. I’m proud that I always come up with something, even if I don’t press publish until late at night.

There is something to the topic of boredom that is drawing me in. When I turn the idea over in my mind, I know that I don’t want to put it down. It feels like trying to bake something you’ve made before, but you don’t have the recipe and can’t remember the exact ratios or ingredients. It’s like knowing you have everything you need in the cupboards; you just can’t quite recall what you’re searching for.

It’s ironic that this week the topic I’m stuck on is boredom. Maybe it’s because my brain feels the busiest it’s been in a while. Maybe I’m craving the freedom of letting my thoughts wander. 

This is the week I happen to be writing several different things, all of them with deadlines looming in the next few days. I could publish late this week. I could finish the other things first and give my brain more time to declutter. But I’m unwilling to extend this deadline, even though it’s only a deadline I set for myself.

But maybe it’s because I set this deadline for myself that I refuse to miss it.

I believe there is only one person you should refuse to let down, and that’s yourself. You are the only person that has to live with every single one of your choices. And if you are like me, you feel the sting of disappointment deepest when you are disappointed in yourself. So I’ve made a habit of refusing to let myself down.

There are only so many hours in a day, so I try to keep my list of priorities short. I believe that if you have to identify what priorities are your top priorities, you might need to clarify what’s important to you. Sometimes I take on too much; we all do. I’ve just learned that I’d rather set something down for a while than risk dropping everything when I lose my focus.

The Guinness World Record for juggling is 11 balls and the attempt lasted far less than a minute. It’s only when it’s 8 balls or less that the attempts last longer than 55 seconds, and that’s when one of the best in the world is juggling. I’ve never been able to juggle more than 3.

I realized long ago that I am not a world class juggler. Knowing that has changed everything.